Caring For Yourself After a Divorce

Shortly after I left my husband of twenty-one years, I found myself bending over the bathroom sink staring into the mirror trying to use sewing scissors to trim my nose hairs.  Now, you might think first and foremost how horrible for a woman to admit she must trim her nose hairs—but if you’ve been married for twenty-one years, you probably have a few to trim too!

Such is marriage:  you become so close to one another, you don’t even notice that you share deodorant and nail or nose hair clippers.  But in that unfortunate marriage endgame of who-gets-what, my husband somehow snuck off with the nose hair clippers—a present from one of my kids, no less.  Nose hair clippers is one of those items that you never remember when you are shopping, and so I found myself a month after we had actually separated facing the very real possibility of accidentally slicing up my nose.  Catching that glimpse of myself in the mirror made me realize that I must take special care of myself now that I am separated (in this case, going out to buy new clippers) because the truth is, no one else will.

This is a time when you have to focus on yourself.  If you’ve spent years putting your children’s needs ahead of yours, sending birthday and other greeting cards off to all your own relatives as well as the in-laws, making sure the coffee pot at work is full, now is the time to let everyone else pick up the slack for a while.  Put yourself first, because no one else in your world will put any special effort into making certain that you are having a nice life. 

Listen to your parents and siblings with a grain of salt.  They might be happy you separated, but even so they will be eager to offer their advice and annoyed if you don’t follow it.

Choose your confidants carefully at work.  Keep this painful business close to your chest.  Even if you get along well with your coworkers, the secrets you’ve shared with your cubicle neighbor will end up dished out at the water cooler.  And some people who are comfortable working with you on a daily basis just don’t want to know personal information.

Be aware that your circle of friends might change.  This will happen for several reasons.  Some of your friends will be uncomfortable choosing sides with either you or your ex.  Others will come across as critical, which might stem from their frustration that they did not know how to help you through your difficult period.

Go out to a spa.  If your new marital status includes a budget that doesn’t afford a high-end treatment, get a facial at the local beauty school—they are much less expensive and some don’t even accept tips.  Buy yourself new clothes.  If you don’t have the money for Macy’s, go to your local thrift store.  There are some great finds, and don’t be embarrassed about seeing anyone you know.  After all, they’re shopping there too.  Take a book to a nice restaurant and have dinner alone while you read.  Buy new nose hair clippers.  Pamper yourself!