Fighting Fair in Your Relationship

You’ve probably heard before about “fair fighting rules.”  The problem is that people do not make plans to get into fights.  So when an argument erupts, thoughts of curtailing your fighting style go right out the window.  I am going to suggest some fair fighting rules to you, and then I will tell you how to come up with a set of rules that you will not forget in the heat of anger.

• Stick to the issue:  This is likely the most common piece of advice given to couples who seek a fair way to fight.  If you are fighting about who skips out on chores, don’t bring up who bounced the last check.

• Remain calm:  No matter how angry you are, take deep breaths.  If you need a moment to gather your thoughts for a response, tell your spouse “Give me a minute to think about it.”  Conversely, if you see your spouse is totally frustrated and about to explode during a disagreement, tell him or her, “Take a minute to think about it.”

• Avoid generalizations:  It is just not accurate to say “You always” or “You never.”  No one is ever “always” or “never;” to say that during an argument is a very accusatory and hurtful unfair fighting tool.  

• Do not dig up past arguments:  You might argue on a topic several times.  If you are unable to resolve an issue in one sitting, you should agree with each other to discuss this again when you have more time.  But you agree that once a topic is resolved, it is unfair to dredge it up ever again.  Bringing up past fight is down and dirty.

• Never call names:  Of course you know this means you can’t call someone “stupid.”  It also means you cannot tell your spouse, “You did a stupid thing.”  Telling someone that is the same as calling them stupid, like it or not.  Think about ways to paraphrase your thoughts; one way might be to ask, “Why did you do that?”  Name-calling will devolve the disagreement to the point that you don’t remember the issues, you just remember the pain.

• Avoid interrupting:  This means when one person is talking, you wait for your turn.   There is no interrupting and no raising your voice so that you talk louder than the other person.  This fair fight rule includes, by extension, no snapping back and using your voice or physical person to intimidate your partner.

• Never say what you don’t mean:  Emotions run high during arguments, and if you say, “No wonder my father always hated you,” that contributes nothing but pain to the situation.  You might resolve the issue that you are disagreeing about, but you can never erase hurtful words from your spouse’s mind.

• Pay attention:  One fighting tool some people resort to is purposefully letting their attention wander. 

• They might keep glancing at the television or flipping through the pages of a magazine.  The message this sends is “you aren’t important enough to merit my whole attention.” 

So, how do you learn how to fair fight?  How do both of you keep those rules from flying out of your heads when tempers are hot?  The answer is that you must sit down together at a time when you are not fighting and come up with your own list of fair fighting rules.  Each of you knows in your heart what you do to score during an argument, and the rules will reflect what standards you need to set to disagree fairly.  When one of you violates a rule during an argument, call him or her on it.  And, since you have come up with these rules yourselves, you will remember them when it counts.