Helping Your Kids Through the Divorce

Lots of people say they stay in their marriage “for the sake of the children.”  What are the pros and cons of that? 

 First let’s look at the pros:

• Your child will have two parents contributing to his care and development.

• Your child benefits from the financial security that is most often a result of two parents.

• Your child will remain comfortably ensconced in his familiar family unit without the upheaval of change.

 But you cannot avoid the cons:

• Your child hears two parents, fighting.  She blames herself for that.

• Your child avoids socializing at his home because he is ashamed of the conflict his friends will see there.

• Your child becomes an object of the battle between you and your spouse as each of you tries to convince the child that you are right.

• Your child will feel the financial strain of separation and/or divorce, as will all family members.

What would your child say if you asked him or her?

• If your child hears a lot of conflict, common with physical or verbal abuse, or bears up under the burden of an addicted parent, she is likely to claim she is all in favor of separation or divorce.
• If you and your spouse have limited your conflict between yourselves, your child will express anger at whichever parent he views as the one most responsible for the breakup.
• If the marriage has broken up because of infidelity, the child might blame either parent—he might see the cheating parent as the victim of the faithful one, or he might support the wronged parent.
• Whatever your child says before the separation, you can be certain you will hear conflicting emotions afterward, guaranteed to keep your head spinning.

You have to separate your child from the equation when you decide whether to stay married.  Just as you take responsibility for ensuring that your child plays outside wearing a coat in cold weather, you are responsible for the decision to stay in the marriage or leave it.  Ultimately, you must assure your children that the decision is yours and your spouse’s and not theirs.  Otherwise they will blame themselves. 

Does this seem like oversimplifying to you?  Remember when your child was a toddler, and he thought everything in the universe revolved around him?  If Mr. Bunny jumped up over the edge of the dressing table, your child thought he had caused it.  Keep in mind that this still applies.  Even if your child is a teenager, she sees herself as the cause of every effect in the world.  While older children know logically that this is not true, they cannot accept emotionally that they are not to blame.  They will believe that they failed to do the one thing that could stop the breakup.  There are many steps to breakup and divorce, and one of the most monumental is assuring your children that the decision was yours and your spouse’s, and that you both still love them equally.